Thursday, January 24, 2013

Loser

Throughout my online diary (b/c lets face it, that's what this is), I have sugar coated my entire life.  All of my situations have had positive spins on them and I like to avoid mentioning the negative situations in my life.  Maybe if I don't write about it, it will go away...it doesn't exist, right?

Hogwash.

Sure I am a runner...and I am getting better at it and doing it a lot more...and I am honestly trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start over.  I can't do that alone--but my support system is weak.  Thank GOD I'm in therapy, or I wouldn't know what to do.  I am in school to get my Masters degree. My friends--few, but close--are amazing and that's about where the truth ends I suppose.

Here is me in real life:

I am a loser.  I am a loser who got pregnant at 19 and instead of doing regular college stuff, I took care of a baby, worked full time and still managed to get my degree.  I'm a loser who married my baby's father.  I am a loser who let him cheat on me for over a year and took him back...which consequently ended in his doing the worst thing any husband can do to a wife, which I am still unable to put into words.  I am a loser who is now 32 and divorced.  I am a loser who, instead of going to law school and becoming an independent person, decided that my daughter needed me around and I couldn't risk the time away from her while maintaining a full time job.  I am a loser who has fat girl mentality.  I am a loser who has a job as a glorified secretary and is going no where.  I am a loser who for some reason desperately wants someone to care about me, so much so that I repeatedly dive into a situation that I know is going to hurt me in the end.  Repeatedly.  I am a loser because I fell in love with the worst kind of guy--one that will never love me back, will never care about me, will never be my friend.  I am a loser because some of the things that this guy says makes me think maybe one day he will change...and then I fall hard back onto the ground.  I'm a loser because I think that there really might be something more out there, but there isn't...I'm a loser because I've selfishly spiraling in my own life and neglected my beautiful and incredibly smart daughter to a degree.  I'm a loser because I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough...my boobs are too small...went to the wrong universities...hang with the wrong crowd.

In therapy, we have covered high school mentality ('is everyone judging me??') and abandonment issues (please don't leave me, treat me however you want, just stay)...but I'm pretty sure I'm no closer to happiness than I was the first day I stepped into her office.

I am a loser...like Penny in Happy Endings...I am a loser with ugly friends...I am a loser because my family isn't super wealthy...I'm a loser...I am.

And there's the truth, folks.  Candid.  My weaknesses exposed to you--something I vowed never to do.  I only want to look back on my online diary (blog, whatever) and see the good things I've accomplished and how happy they made me...but with the good comes the bad, I guess.

Whatever.  It is what it is...I can sit on it and mope about it or I can try to move forward and fix it.  I choose change...starting now.  For real.

Therapy Therapy Therapy!!! I should probably go back to weekly sessions...I'm really effed up! :)





2 comments:

Jennifer Ventura said...

You are anything BUT a loser. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

Matthew Glossner said...

a lot of people (most I think in the world) would see your story not as losing but succeeding despite shit you have had to deal with. You got pregnant at 19 - by a guy that turned out to be terrible. Despite this, you had an amazing daughter that has done very well in life. Despite this, you still got a college degree. Despite this you got a good paying job (a lot better than 75% of the people out there working for minimum wage and doing horrible work). You fell in love with a bad guy because you are hopeful and optimistic (good qualities), and he turned out to be horrible. But you are still going. You found out your husband is a terrible person. But you did what is right. Left him - stayed independent and stong. And moved on with your life. Do you realize how many women have husbands that cheat, and abuse, and are the worst human beings - but dont' have the strength to move on. Don't have the resources to change their life. You did that. It was brave, and strong, and independent. It will be a good example for your daughter one day when she really thinks about what happened and how that hurt you. and despite all of this you still have a plan. Lose the bad guys, go back to school. Make yourself better. Those aren't loster traits. They aren't. You may feel that want sometimes or most of time. But its wrong. It really is. None of those things are what a loser does.