Monday, January 28, 2013

'Let it Go'

Oh man...what kind of dark hole did I fall into last week?  I'm glad it was shallow enough for me to crawl out of quickly and work my way towards recovery!

Normally, I would delete something crazy like that...but its existence will act as a reminder to me that not everything is hearts and rainbows...and no matter how low I get or how bad I feel...everything will get better over time.

The thing is...for quite sometime I have been smitten with a person who I revered as perfection...and his constant rejection and the negative comments he spits at me have worn me down...Worn me down to that last post. 

If ever there was an untrue would be the one I wrote about "Loser".  One of the comments posted on there really made me see that.

I have overcome so much.  I really have.  Anybody who fails to recognize this is neither worth my time nor my energy.

Getting through every minute with a broken heart and a sick stomach is so hard...but not as hard as the last minute.

My friends.  I love them.  They are amazing, they are always there for me...they know exactly what to say...and without them...who knows where I would be!

and where I in a really good place! :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Throughout my online diary (b/c lets face it, that's what this is), I have sugar coated my entire life.  All of my situations have had positive spins on them and I like to avoid mentioning the negative situations in my life.  Maybe if I don't write about it, it will go doesn't exist, right?


Sure I am a runner...and I am getting better at it and doing it a lot more...and I am honestly trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start over.  I can't do that alone--but my support system is weak.  Thank GOD I'm in therapy, or I wouldn't know what to do.  I am in school to get my Masters degree. My friends--few, but close--are amazing and that's about where the truth ends I suppose.

Here is me in real life:

I am a loser.  I am a loser who got pregnant at 19 and instead of doing regular college stuff, I took care of a baby, worked full time and still managed to get my degree.  I'm a loser who married my baby's father.  I am a loser who let him cheat on me for over a year and took him back...which consequently ended in his doing the worst thing any husband can do to a wife, which I am still unable to put into words.  I am a loser who is now 32 and divorced.  I am a loser who, instead of going to law school and becoming an independent person, decided that my daughter needed me around and I couldn't risk the time away from her while maintaining a full time job.  I am a loser who has fat girl mentality.  I am a loser who has a job as a glorified secretary and is going no where.  I am a loser who for some reason desperately wants someone to care about me, so much so that I repeatedly dive into a situation that I know is going to hurt me in the end.  Repeatedly.  I am a loser because I fell in love with the worst kind of guy--one that will never love me back, will never care about me, will never be my friend.  I am a loser because some of the things that this guy says makes me think maybe one day he will change...and then I fall hard back onto the ground.  I'm a loser because I think that there really might be something more out there, but there isn't...I'm a loser because I've selfishly spiraling in my own life and neglected my beautiful and incredibly smart daughter to a degree.  I'm a loser because I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin boobs are too small...went to the wrong universities...hang with the wrong crowd.

In therapy, we have covered high school mentality ('is everyone judging me??') and abandonment issues (please don't leave me, treat me however you want, just stay)...but I'm pretty sure I'm no closer to happiness than I was the first day I stepped into her office.

I am a Penny in Happy Endings...I am a loser with ugly friends...I am a loser because my family isn't super wealthy...I'm a loser...I am.

And there's the truth, folks.  Candid.  My weaknesses exposed to you--something I vowed never to do.  I only want to look back on my online diary (blog, whatever) and see the good things I've accomplished and how happy they made me...but with the good comes the bad, I guess.

Whatever.  It is what it is...I can sit on it and mope about it or I can try to move forward and fix it.  I choose change...starting now.  For real.

Therapy Therapy Therapy!!! I should probably go back to weekly sessions...I'm really effed up! :)

Monday, January 21, 2013

2013 Goals for this Runner Girl

I started this year with wide eyes and determination.  I made life goals, 2013 goals and running goals.  It is the 21st day of the year and, so far, everything remains on track--and I am optimistic that I will not falter.

My ultimate goal in life is to find a sense of happiness.  I aim to achieve this through bi-weekly therapy sessions and repeating the mantra "Let It Go" through my head any time that I feel the anger building up.  So far, it has worked--I particularly use this method during rush hour traffic.  It's AMAZING how well it works.  A smaller, and probably less practical, method I am using is listening to classical music all day during work.  I read that it is supposed to soothe the mind and bring calmness and peace.  Sign me up!

Another goal that I have set for myself is to obtain my Master's degree.  I started my first class last week and I've never been more excited to be in school.  After a 10 year absence, it is thrilling to sit in a classroom and talk about something you are passionate about (Literature).  There are a number of directions I could take after receiving my degree--one of them being the fact that I accomplished something just for me--but I don't know which route I would like to take yet.

Finally...for 2013...I would like to increase my running ability, depending on how my body reacts to longer distances.  I have signed up for a Half Marathon in March, located in Dallas, Texas, in which I am by no means ready.  The Frozen Nose series that I am participating in (5K/8K/10K) is what I am using to help increase my distance for a full 13.1 miles.  I have other 5K's that I will be running to maintain my stamina and I have amazing running friends and groups that help to keep me on my toes.

So...2013 has only just begun but my outlook is one of optimism and hope.


HBD, Little Indian :)

Towards the end of last year, I became closer to one of my acquaintences and the timing of such friendship could not have been more appropriate.  I admit, my life was headed in a downward spiral due to multiple situations in which I had zero control.  It was hard...and then I met this man whose energy and spirit has had a tremendous affect on me.

My friend's ferver for life and love for his job, which is basically  helping people and saving lives, is a quality in which I strive for in my own life. He is an amazing human being and I think everybody should have a person in their lives such as he is. 

A strong point is that he is Hindu and my curiosity into his religion was piqued, so I picked up a book and  learned about Hinduism.  Intriguing.  Hindus are incredible and peaceful people...their moksha something that I would love to obtain some day.  My friend has an aura of happiness surrounding him...and it is contagious.  It will be a sad day when we drift apart, being so busy in our own lives for one another, but right now, he's a great person to have around...

Happy 30th Birthday to this beautiful soul.

His little mocha face would probably turn beet red if he knew that I wrote all of this cheesy stuff about him...but he is definitely worth praising.  Definitely.

Elvis 5K - January 12, 2013

My friend, Monica, and I signed up for the 2013 Frozen Nose race series in Oklahoma City.  The requirements for this event are a 5K, an 8K and a 10K, one of which we completed last Saturday with the Elvis Run at Lake Hefner.

The race started at 9:00 a.m. and it was literally freezing the entire time we were out there.  My feet were so numb I could hardly feel them and don't get me started on my poor nose (hence the frozen nose aspect of the series, I suppose).  I can honestly say that the actual race was miserable...but better than running through the furnace that is an Oklahoma summer afternoon.

We managed to get through it and I finished the race in astonishing time--my fastest 5K on record...and I am currently in second place for the three race series. 

Here is a picture of my watch--that I got for Christmas--which accurately records time, distance, mile rate and calories.  Best gift ever!!!

Next race: Groundhog 8K on February 2nd.

Happy Running!!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

~Happy New Year - 2013~

A new goals.

If everything goes according to plan, 2013 is going to be the best year ever for this Lopez girl...a fresh, new start.  I left all my baggage in 2012 and hope that my current journey is much better than the last.  My resolutions are short, but sweet, and my goals are bigger and brighter than ever before.

I celebrated the 2012/2013 transition with a great friend--one who has opened my eyes to a new world with his positive, laid back attitude.  A person whose hard work and dedication in life has inspired me to reach for greater things.  A man whose love and commitment to his family has made my heart swell.  A little Indian who is always smiling, even when he isn't aware of it.

How can a person NOT have a good year when it is started with so much positive energy??

Happy New Year...from a little Latina to you!