Leap Day!

I really wanted to post on leap day since it doesn't come around that often (every four years to be exact)...but I don't really have anything to write about. So I'll tell you a quick story about my dermatologist.

I have had the same derma doctor since I was in highschool. He's an old Russian dude that still has a thick accent even though he's been living here for quite awhile.

A couple of years ago I went to see him about my splotchy hands and arms, which turned out to be hives. His solution to my problem was a shot in the butt once a week for three weeks.

Okay. I can do a quick shot in the butt.

So I pull my pants down for him and he slaps my ass while at the same time administering the shot. Deflection from the sharp sting, he says.

We did that three times. It was good stuff...and not weird at all...

Happy Leap Day!

Chelsea Handler

I boycotted the name “Chelsea” for over four years [for reasons I refuse to disclose publicly] and avoided anything that had to do with it, if possible. Even the airplane that landed in the Hudson a few years ago--the pilot’s name was Chesley and that was too close, so I didn’t read any news articles and avoided broadcasts dealing with that situation as well.

By doing so, I had to cut ties with Chelsea Handler. Our relationship was so strong (as I was sure to never miss an episode of her prank show Girls Behaving Badly) so you can imagine how hard that was on me. And Chelsea. I really enjoy when people look stupid, so her show was one of my favorites. [To this day, however, I have not seen an episode of her talk show, but I plan to rectify that immediately…well, soon…well, maybe, I have a lot on my DVR right now]

Anyway…

Last week, I saw that movie This Means War with Ms. Witherspoon and Chelsea played her best friend. I was stuck there, couldn’t avoid her, had to watch…and wasn’t disappointed.

I had no idea what I was missing. I feel like the last four years of my life have been empty without her and now I have to play speed-round catch up. I started by downloading her book Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea and it took me all of 1.5 days to finish it.

Laugh out loud at a book? Are you kidding me? Well…it happened.

Chelsea Handler is my hero. She is bold. She is mean. She can be a little racist. Above all, though…Chelsea Handler is flipping hilarious. Hello! She even did an entire chapter on a midget and shares all of my feelings about dogs, it’s fantastic. My Horizontal Life is next in the queue and I can hardly wait to delve into that one.

Jesus Bird

Background: The city of Oklahoma City has built a beautiful new highway for commuters passing through the area and it opened this past Sunday. It has been in the works for years now and the downtown workers (thousands upon thousands of us) have used the old highway to get to and from home. Since opening the new highway, the old one has been completely shut down, making it extremely inconvenient for us to leave downtown in a timely manner -- or any manner -- with its TWO on ramps for use...based almost a mile out of the downtown area. (To be fair, they are building some boulevard to take us into downtown--however, that will not be ready for 18 long months.) Needless to say, I am not a fan and I think that the planning committee is ridiculous for doing this to so many workers. At least shut down cross streets to get us to and on the highway. Ridiculous!

So, with that said, I was having difficulty on Monday trying to get on the highway and i facebooked about my frustrations.

I got a comment from a friend:

"I guess you used the entrance over by the Jesus House"

It was awhile before I saw said comment and was finally on the highway, going 70 mph...perfect time to check facebook...and so I replied to her comment:

"I don't know where Jesus lives"

IMMEDIATELY after hitting send, a bird hits my winshield. Not bird crap. Not a tiny little sparrow or robin. A giant pigeon-like bird. Dead center of my windshield.

If that is not divine intervention, I don't know what is. I was very fortunate in that my windshield did not break--and the bird guts were minimal, although still there (oops)...and the lesson learned? Jesus knows when I'm kidding around. He knows that I love him and I'm a huge fan...but he does not want me joking around about him in a public forum. *Noted*.

I'm just so glad he didn't send an ostrich down from the sky :) That would have been hard to come back from.

Runner Girl

A little over a year and a half ago, I was reading my Shape Magazine, looking for inspiration to lose those pesky 15 pounds I had gained over the years. There was a little blip about belly fat--a tiny paragraph--that said the best way to lose it is to strap on your running shoes and hit the pavement. So I did just that.

36 pounds later, I'd say that running has been a great success to me. To my body, my confidence, my health...and may have attributed a little to my narcissim, but that's a separate post entirely ;)

Over the past year and a half, I have signed up for numerous 5K's supporting any cause available--girl scouts, breast cancer, battered women--and also did fun events like the McNellie's Pub Run (where you drank a pint of Guinness after every mile) and the Warrior Dash (mud, water, obstacles...mud!)

Running is amazing. Not only for the body, but for the mind. When I am pushing through a tough run, all I have to do is think about the endorphins that come at the end, when the mission is complete, and I feel like I am on cloud nine.

It's been an incredible experience and, although I have the occasional leg pains, I am very fortunate to be able to continue a sport like this in my ripe old age of 31. My next race is in March for St. Paddy's day and I'm very excited to wear all of my green, my shamrocks, rock the green hair extenstions...and try to beat my previous recorded 5K time (which I set over Turkey Day!).

Here is a picture of me after the Warrior Dash in Tulsa on September 24, 2011. It was a bit chilly and I'm soaking wet--but look! I got a medal and a cute hat! [also...as a side note...i am over 10 pounds lighter than in this picture as well. Goodness, I love running! Wait. Re-do. I love the results I obtain from running.]

**Jadyn Dances**

Here is a Lopez video pulled from the vault. When my daughter was a little over a year old, she took a bath. She danced. She fell. It was pretty cute. Enjoy!

Midget Porn

I have a friend who seems to think that there are hundreds--no, thousands--of people that do online searches for midget porn. Personally, I have never done a search for midget pornography, but I'm a girl and my mind is wired way different than a male.

So this post is dedicated to my social experiment about that.

21,614

Friendship Review 2012

A good friend is really hard to find and, as I get older, I'm finding it harder and harder to find someone who fits the mold. Of course, I've been told that I'm an elitist when it comes to certain things; however, I find that my definition of friendship is not unreasonable:

A true friend is someone you can always count on. Someone you can confide in and who is loyal--a true friend is someone you can trust. And vice versa on all of that. (and when it comes to loyalty, I am the best of friends--I will go to bat for any one of my little chickens!)

I got married really young and together we made friends. But sometimes marriages don't always work out and friends feel as if they need to pick one person over the other, while repeating over and over "I'll be both of your friends--separately". Yeah--that doesn't work so much. Let's just say that I was apparently not the 'fun' half of my marriage...which is sad because I loved so many of our couple friends.

So I've made a decision. Make new friends. I can do this, right? Join clubs. Go out, meet people? There's just one problem: I'm a total introvert, so the task ahead will be extremely difficult.

The thing is...the friends I do have? Amazing. Some of my favorites are at work with me--and I get to spend a mandatory 40-hours a week with them. So that's fun-- unless I become good friends with someone of the opposite sex and then there is gossip everywhere and people start judging--to the point where I feel I need to cut ties. Or maybe a friend whose reputation isn't stellar and I get lumped into the negative with her just because she's one of my favorite people.

Why should I let society dictate who I am friends with? If nothing bad is going on, if nobody is getting hurt...why should I cut off a friend if I'm actually happy?

I don't want to, but it seems almost inevitable, really.

I lost my best friend in the whole world last year. My best friend of 13 years--the person who was always there, who loved me despite everything and was loyal to a tee. I lost him because I'm a selfish bitch, I get that. Filling that hole in my heart feels impossible...but it would be nice to have friends that were always there. Who didn't flake. Who weren't fake and didn't pretend to be something they are not.

Hell...I need a chicken who will jump on a plane with me and have a carefree weekend in Vegas...we will call it "therapy"!

This post turned pretty bleak, didn't it? It wasn't supposed to be some depressing rant...and it wasn't supposed to be a match.com for friendship either. I just have so much bottled up inside and this is barely a glimpse. But it's what i'm dealing with at this moment...so there ya go.