Eskimo Joes

My time spent in Stillwater, Oklahoma...oh so many years ago...was short-lived. It was freaking awesome, though--I would do it again in a heartbeat!

One thing I miss most is driving down Highway 51 and seeing the Eskimo Joes sign that said "Say Cheese Fries" welcoming me into one of the best towns in Oklahoma. Oh how I love cheese fries. Eskimo Joe isn't too bad himself.

This post is just me. Reminiscing about the younger years...and having a huge craving for a hamburger, cheese fries and an ice cold coke, sipped out of a classic plastic Joe's cup. Mmmm....

Lopez A Mean Girl? No Effing Way!

Below are three statements said to me within the last month:

“You do realize that you would have more friends if you weren’t so mean, right?”

“You and your two buddies are known as the ‘mean girls’ around here…and I’m sorry to say it, but you’re sort of the ringleader—the one who pulls the strings.”

“Daniel Tosh and Chelsea Handler are your two favorite comedians? That makes sense—they are just as mean as you are.”

Well, isn’t this quite the revelation to the sweet little girl from Oklahoma who is so shy and quiet it would be hard for anyone to form an opinion about her—but alas! It has happened and I am apparently a super bitch. Hooray for that…?

I will admit that sometimes I make not-so-nice comments about people I don’t know that are either getting on my nerves or are inconveniencing me in some manner… and occasionally I might throw a stereotype in a conversation—but only for shock value, nothing more.

It is very rare that I am mean to somebody’s face—and in those few situations, it is probably warranted. I don’t walk around with my nose stuck in the air thinking I am better than you [which I most likely am anyway] and after 10 am every morning, I am a bowl of rainbows and sunshine.

The one thing I do love is when people look stupid. I can’t help it if I am smarter than you and it is easy for me to set you up to fail in front of people that matter. That is not my fault. Let’s just call it a ‘learning opportunity’…and I’m the teacher.

That does not make me mean.

Here is one thing I could think of that may have made me mean--ONE TIME. When I was a teenager, I told my best friend that her fat, gay father looked like a child molester. That might have been mean, but I was a kid [who ultimately lost her best friend...Meh…it happens.]

So maybe I lack a filter.

I’m not a mean girl. I’m just a girl without a filter.

Yes. Let’s go with that.

Northface

Chances are that I am currently suffering from ‘blogging fever’. I just can’t seem to get enough. No--I’m not reading your blog, but the narcissist in me is wanting to spout out all the thoughts in my head—which are generally inconsequential—and force feed your eyeballs into taking it all in.

I saw this on facebook yesterday:



It made me laugh. I can here Gene saying that in his little-fairy Willy Wonka voice and it cracks me the eff up.

I have—and love—my super expensive Northface running jacket [which is too nice to actually run in, so I bought another jacket to do that] and I go on so many adventures with it. I go to the bank. To the grocery store. To work. Everywhere! And my windbreaker? Very handy in the torrential Oklahoma winds for sure…

What gets me, though, are the people who would post this to their facebook and don’t own a Northface jacket. Those people are called ‘haters’ and probably can’t afford to put one on their back. OR that really stuck up guy who is ‘too cool’ to wear something so mainstream. [but that guy would also be too cool to post this to facebook...or even be on facebook]

Suit yourself—I happily sport all of my Northface jackets. You never know when you’re going to end up on top of a wintery mountain or need to go hiking for berries...or make an impromptu visit to Smurf village…so I will definitely be prepared.

This post is a perfect example of ‘blogging fever’. I mean…who the hell rants about a Northface jacket?

Me…I do.

The Asian Lesbian

Last night, I got massaged by an Asian Lesbian.

I use the politically correct term of 'Asian' because something about her face told me she might be from that part of the world...and she had a funny accent. I'd like to try and guess her ethnicity(that's always fun), but it seemed a bit racist. All I know is that she is not from Korea because her accent is nothing like my best friend, Lacy's.

I use the term 'Lesbian' due to the events that ensued...

My friend and I decided to try out a new place we had heard of that did "incredible" chair massages for $30/hour. This place had come recommended by numerous people so I was very excited to try it out.

Everything started off normal. I was seated in an enormous recliner that leaned back horizontally. I began on my back where the lady started kneading my head and shoulders (which was amazing) and I started to relax. Then she grabs my arms and holds them out, while massaging them. I noticed that she kept rubbing my knuckles up against her breasts over and over, but that didn't bother me at all. I have monkey arms, so it would be normal that my knuckles might rub up against some of her.

Moving ahead about ten minutes, she starts massaging my legs. That is great, especially when you are a runner and you don't realize how tight your muscles are. Next thing I know, she spreads my legs open and climbs up in between them--on the chair--with me.

That, in itself, was odd.

She starts massaging my ribcage (fantastic)...but when she got to my boobs, she rubbed them for a good ten seconds. Now, I have had many, many massages. My breasts are never touched. At this point, I was afraid to open my eyes for fear that her face was really close to mine and she expected me to kiss her or something.

So...red flags are going up everywhere in my head--but getting the back massaged is the best part and we hadn't gotten to that yet. So, on we go.

Fast forward about 20 more minutes and I'm face down on the chair, my face pressed into the massage chair hole.

The back massage was incredible. I love it--I have decided I need a live in masseuse to be at my beck and call.

What happened next was not okay.

After kneading the backs of my legs, the lady climbs up on top of me. She starts rubbing my ass. Who doesn't love that giant rump of muscles squeezed and rubbed? It was pretty fantastic...until she spread my ass cheeks open, stuck her hand in between and rubbed on my asshole for about five seconds. I actually lay there, eyes wide open staring at the floor wondering what the flip was going on.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I had clothes on--so all rubbing and touching was done through material.

Finally, the massage ends. I pay up front and add a 25% tip, just to let her know there are no hard feelings about my molestation.

I walked out feeling violated.

It was a good time.

On a lighter note...here is a picture of the movie they had playing in the joint. I couldn't understand what they were saying, so I'm really glad it was sub-titled. That was helpful.

Leap Day!

I really wanted to post on leap day since it doesn't come around that often (every four years to be exact)...but I don't really have anything to write about. So I'll tell you a quick story about my dermatologist.

I have had the same derma doctor since I was in highschool. He's an old Russian dude that still has a thick accent even though he's been living here for quite awhile.

A couple of years ago I went to see him about my splotchy hands and arms, which turned out to be hives. His solution to my problem was a shot in the butt once a week for three weeks.

Okay. I can do a quick shot in the butt.

So I pull my pants down for him and he slaps my ass while at the same time administering the shot. Deflection from the sharp sting, he says.

We did that three times. It was good stuff...and not weird at all...

Happy Leap Day!

Chelsea Handler

I boycotted the name “Chelsea” for over four years [for reasons I refuse to disclose publicly] and avoided anything that had to do with it, if possible. Even the airplane that landed in the Hudson a few years ago--the pilot’s name was Chesley and that was too close, so I didn’t read any news articles and avoided broadcasts dealing with that situation as well.

By doing so, I had to cut ties with Chelsea Handler. Our relationship was so strong (as I was sure to never miss an episode of her prank show Girls Behaving Badly) so you can imagine how hard that was on me. And Chelsea. I really enjoy when people look stupid, so her show was one of my favorites. [To this day, however, I have not seen an episode of her talk show, but I plan to rectify that immediately…well, soon…well, maybe, I have a lot on my DVR right now]

Anyway…

Last week, I saw that movie This Means War with Ms. Witherspoon and Chelsea played her best friend. I was stuck there, couldn’t avoid her, had to watch…and wasn’t disappointed.

I had no idea what I was missing. I feel like the last four years of my life have been empty without her and now I have to play speed-round catch up. I started by downloading her book Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea and it took me all of 1.5 days to finish it.

Laugh out loud at a book? Are you kidding me? Well…it happened.

Chelsea Handler is my hero. She is bold. She is mean. She can be a little racist. Above all, though…Chelsea Handler is flipping hilarious. Hello! She even did an entire chapter on a midget and shares all of my feelings about dogs, it’s fantastic. My Horizontal Life is next in the queue and I can hardly wait to delve into that one.

Jesus Bird

Background: The city of Oklahoma City has built a beautiful new highway for commuters passing through the area and it opened this past Sunday. It has been in the works for years now and the downtown workers (thousands upon thousands of us) have used the old highway to get to and from home. Since opening the new highway, the old one has been completely shut down, making it extremely inconvenient for us to leave downtown in a timely manner -- or any manner -- with its TWO on ramps for use...based almost a mile out of the downtown area. (To be fair, they are building some boulevard to take us into downtown--however, that will not be ready for 18 long months.) Needless to say, I am not a fan and I think that the planning committee is ridiculous for doing this to so many workers. At least shut down cross streets to get us to and on the highway. Ridiculous!

So, with that said, I was having difficulty on Monday trying to get on the highway and i facebooked about my frustrations.

I got a comment from a friend:

"I guess you used the entrance over by the Jesus House"

It was awhile before I saw said comment and was finally on the highway, going 70 mph...perfect time to check facebook...and so I replied to her comment:

"I don't know where Jesus lives"

IMMEDIATELY after hitting send, a bird hits my winshield. Not bird crap. Not a tiny little sparrow or robin. A giant pigeon-like bird. Dead center of my windshield.

If that is not divine intervention, I don't know what is. I was very fortunate in that my windshield did not break--and the bird guts were minimal, although still there (oops)...and the lesson learned? Jesus knows when I'm kidding around. He knows that I love him and I'm a huge fan...but he does not want me joking around about him in a public forum. *Noted*.

I'm just so glad he didn't send an ostrich down from the sky :) That would have been hard to come back from.

Midget Porn

I have a friend who seems to think that there are hundreds--no, thousands--of people that do online searches for midget porn. Personally, I have never done a search for midget pornography, but I'm a girl and my mind is wired way different than a male.

So this post is dedicated to my social experiment about that.

21,614

Friendship Review 2012

A good friend is really hard to find and, as I get older, I'm finding it harder and harder to find someone who fits the mold. Of course, I've been told that I'm an elitist when it comes to certain things; however, I find that my definition of friendship is not unreasonable:

A true friend is someone you can always count on. Someone you can confide in and who is loyal--a true friend is someone you can trust. And vice versa on all of that. (and when it comes to loyalty, I am the best of friends--I will go to bat for any one of my little chickens!)

I got married really young and together we made friends. But sometimes marriages don't always work out and friends feel as if they need to pick one person over the other, while repeating over and over "I'll be both of your friends--separately". Yeah--that doesn't work so much. Let's just say that I was apparently not the 'fun' half of my marriage...which is sad because I loved so many of our couple friends.

So I've made a decision. Make new friends. I can do this, right? Join clubs. Go out, meet people? There's just one problem: I'm a total introvert, so the task ahead will be extremely difficult.

The thing is...the friends I do have? Amazing. Some of my favorites are at work with me--and I get to spend a mandatory 40-hours a week with them. So that's fun-- unless I become good friends with someone of the opposite sex and then there is gossip everywhere and people start judging--to the point where I feel I need to cut ties. Or maybe a friend whose reputation isn't stellar and I get lumped into the negative with her just because she's one of my favorite people.

Why should I let society dictate who I am friends with? If nothing bad is going on, if nobody is getting hurt...why should I cut off a friend if I'm actually happy?

I don't want to, but it seems almost inevitable, really.

I lost my best friend in the whole world last year. My best friend of 13 years--the person who was always there, who loved me despite everything and was loyal to a tee. I lost him because I'm a selfish bitch, I get that. Filling that hole in my heart feels impossible...but it would be nice to have friends that were always there. Who didn't flake. Who weren't fake and didn't pretend to be something they are not.

Hell...I need a chicken who will jump on a plane with me and have a carefree weekend in Vegas...we will call it "therapy"!

This post turned pretty bleak, didn't it? It wasn't supposed to be some depressing rant...and it wasn't supposed to be a match.com for friendship either. I just have so much bottled up inside and this is barely a glimpse. But it's what i'm dealing with at this moment...so there ya go.

Welcome to 2012...

2011 wasn't a great year for me, so I have decided that I am going to be a force in 2012. I've had great momentum these past 9 days, so if I can keep it up for the next 356...this year will be phenomenal!

Every year starts with resolutions and this is the first year in over a decade that I don't have "weight loss" in any way, shape or form on my list. I've managed to fill that void with other, more challenging items.

1. Read the Bible. If 2012 is going to be the last year of planet Earth, I need to catch up and see where I am going. Heaven seems pretty cool, so I would like to meet the people who I will see there through God's word. I purchased one of those 365-day bibles and so far I've done very well...all 9 days of the year well.

2. History Intellectual Devotional Readings with Jadyn. What a better way to spend quality time with your daughter than with education? We have a book that has interesting facts about a person/place/event in history that is divided so that you read about one thing each day. So far we've learned quite a bit about Slavery, Tobacco, The Pequot Indians, etc. I really enjoy when we come across a subject that Jadyn has learned in school and she can relate what she's learned with what we are reading.

3. Blogging. I put this on my list because it will be a challenge to even do a post/month. So we'll see if my life events of 2012 will help me to keep up with this blog!

4. Maintain My New Body/Run More. I worked incredibly hard to actually hit my weight loss goal that I am going to need to put in the time and effort to maintain my new body. Instead of "Operation Dumbo Drop" there on the side of my blog, I have put a Maintaining Log for 2012. This is kind of a two-fold resolution in the fact that I'd really like to add up my running miles this year and try to beat my goals every month. This is the resolution I am most excited about and I pray that my old 31 year old muscles will help me achieve this goal. We shall see...

5. Career. Here is a resolution I have every year. I really need to decide what I want to 'be' when I grow up. My B.A. is in English Literature, but my job has nothing to do with that. I would really like to figure out something that really moves me, motivates me, pushes me forward. I feel like I'm in kind of a slump...so whether this means finding a new job or going back to school to get an alternative degree, I'd really like to figure something out. A change will do me good, right?

6. Books. Read more for leisure.

I heard on the radio the other day that the average person lasts 22 days on New Year Resolutions. So the way I see it, if I hit 23 days, I'm already above average; however, I don't want to sell myself short. There may be times when I want to just throw in the towel, but I am hoping to overcome those brief moments of weakness and go all the way.

It's never too late to change.

2011 - The Bad and the Ugly

2011 has been a really bleak year for me. I don't usually like to come on here and flaunt the negatives in my life, but I feel so completely unstable right now that I might as well.

Our troubles started at the end of May...two weeks into my daughter's summer vacation. She fell off of her bike into an embankment of rocks resulting in a broken arm that not only needed a cast, but surgery that included pins in her elbows. The hour and a half that her father and I waited for her to get out of surgery was tense, but despite a summer spent on the couch, everything turned out okay.

Here is Jadyn in the emergency room right after it happened:



Here is Jadyn with her cast:



Here is one of the pins that Jadyn had lodged in her arms for four weeks:



The next ugly event that happened in my life...well, I don't want to talk about it still. But it's a big one and it makes me very, very sad...and recovery from it will take years and maybe therapy.

Finally, this past weekend, I got rear ended on the highway and my car, that was 7 months away from being paid off, was badly injured. I think that dealing with the insurance company of the person that hit me has been the most stressful situation of my entire life. I don't know why they think it is okay for a person--who is not at fault in the matter--to go days (I'm on day 5 now) without transportation. I have a 15 mile drive to and from work daily. I have errands to run, shopping to do, a kid to cart around. I am going to have to take on a brand new car payment eventually--and we can't even get the ball rolling until the responsible party admits fault. They will not answer their telephone calls and they will not call in and file a claim. The police report won't be ready for 30 days, according to the trooper who is to file it. I am beyond stressed out, I cry all the time, it is all so overwhelming and I feel so...alone.

To top it off, my body shop says they think it will be totaled; HOWEVER, they cannot even look at the car until the insurance company contacts them...and the insurance company will not contact them until they have "proof" that their client was at fault.

My Car:





So...maybe...now that I've gotten that all out there...I will feel better about it. Writing it out doesn't seem as bad as it does in my head...nobody died and everything will be fixed in due time (just like Jade's arm)...but why can't I keep from crying every second of the day?

EverCare

Okay, so I have to talk about my new most favorite toy, EverCare:


Pull your mind out of the gutter, it's not a vibrator! In fact, right behind that metal opening are three little razors--so that would be painful.

It's a $5.99 fuzzball shaver! [once again, take the mind out of the gutter]. I'm talking about the pilling on sweaters. This tiny, handheld contraption will remove all of those pesky fuzzies that are formed from wear and, *Voila!* The sweater looks brand new! It is fantastic.

I realize that this is not a new invention, but it is a new-to-me product and I'm undeniably smitten. I found it the other night at the store when I was shopping for Andy's Christmas gift--an iron. Yes people--I said IRON...as in that little heated object that presses shirts. It's what he wanted...ha ha ha!

Happy Merry Holiday's, Y'all!

25 MORE Things About Moi

I am repeatedly getting tagged on Facebook from people filling out a '25 Things About Me' list. Frankly, I don't know how to fill out the notes on Facebook, but I am quite familiar with my blog, so I'm just going to write them here and then post a link on my new addiction. Sounds like a plan, Stanley!

As you know, I posted a more extensive About Me list last year, so it was very difficult coming up with 25 more items in addition to my previous 100. So…here goes it…

1. I love to put cinnamon apple sauce on everything [including Ravioli's]
2. I once pulled a back muscle in the shower while belting out Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful"
3. I have a magnificent view of the Myriad Gardens from my office window
4. I believe in God, but do not believe in organized religion
5. My sister and I were only grandchildren on my father's side, yet my grandparents could hardly stand us.
6. I love Indian Food. Every birthday, that is my meal choice. Period.
7. I sobbed uncontrollably at the end of Benjamin Button
8. I have become quite addicted to milk chocolate covered almonds of the Hershey variety
9. I want to move to the Eastern part of the United States
10. I love my friends - real life and bloggers!
11. I always route for the underdog
12. I am usually the underdog
13. I cried the first time my husband beat me at mini-golf
14. I am very competitive
15. My new celebrity crush is Bradley Cooper [although he does not replace my previously mentioned crushes: Ryan Phillippe and Ewan McGregor]
16. I think mowing the lawn is oodles of fun
17. My mom and I once bought 200 lottery tickets…and ended up winning only seventeen dollars
18. I once got chased to the police station by a crazy woman in a truck after I flipped her off in the Taco Bell drive-thru line
19. You can win me over with a cupcake--my ultimate weakness
20. I floss every day
21. I rarely wear make-up
22. I am addicted to Mafia Wars
23. I once licked all of the salt off of my airplane bag of pretzels and then gave them to my mom to eat [she wasn't happy]
24. My favorite gum is Trident: Original Flavor
25. I love love love Chocolate Chip, Orange, Zucchini Bread. Yum!


So there you have it. Not a super exciting list…but it took a LONG time for me to come up with 25 things and cross reference them to my old list. I only put one thing on there twice and that was 'I do not like to swim in public bodies of water'…so that item is doubly true.

Craptastic Running

Unless I am being chased by a psycho-murderer, running will never be this important to me:

Some people are quite dedicated to their sports...

Decisions, Decisions...

So...should I, or should I not take this elevator down when I leave work this evening? [Keep in mind, I am on the top floor of an office building downtown]


I'm going with a big, fat NOT.

Peter Griffin Sings

Help! I can't get this song out of my head!!! It is my all-time favorite Family Guy episode...and my favorite part in the song is when Peter is sitting at the table reading the paper...



I can't get it out of my head and my co-workers are probably coming up with a plan to murder me!

Who Made Cuppie Cakes?

Me! Me! I did! I did!

...and they actually taste good!

The Power of Super Glue

29 Year Old Father: 'You want me to glue your fingers together, puppy?'
8 Year Old Daughter: 'Sure'

Fingers are then glued together with super glue and 8 year old cannot pull them apart. Panic ensues. Knife used. Skin cut. Rubbing alcohol applied. It stings. 15 minutes later, fingers are apart with a film of glue on both index finger and thumb.

8 Year Old Daughter: 'Now you do it, dad'
29 Year Old Father [hesitates]: 'Okay, but only because you did it.'

Fingers are then glued together with superglue. 29 year old, being big, bad and tough, acts as if it is no big deal. 30 minutes later, fingers still haven't come unglued, but progress is being made. Eventually, 29 year old's fingers are unglued, with a patch of skin having been peeled off of the thumb.

A few hours later...

28 Year Old Mother: 'So, why did you glue your fingers together?'
29 Year old Father: 'I wanted her to develop a healthy respect for the power of super glue'
28 Year Old Mother: 'Okay...so why did you glue your fingers together?'

::Silence::

Good Lesson Learned? I hope so...

Officially Entered!

Well, it's official. I am entered in the Oklahoma Memorial Half-Marathon. It is virtually impossible [for me] to train for the running portion, so my sister and I are going to walk. All 13 miles.

I refuse to forgo the $55 entry fee, so I better lace up the walking shoes and hit the treadmill...after racquetball, of course!

Now I need to figure out how I'm going to drag my happy arse out of bed on the day of. I've still got time to ponder that issue.

Like the little engine that could said 'I think I can I think I can...'

Bye Bye Spring Break

The end of Spring Break has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm SO sad! So sad that I can't hang out with my daughter tomorrow, so sad that I can't have a movie marathon night...so sad that I can't stay up until 2 in the morning [however, I may be doing the last part unintentionally tonight and be a zombie for work in the morning...]

I had a lot of fun hanging out with my daughter and my sister! We went to Guthrie, Stephanie made dinner for us, we played racquetball every day, went shopping, celebrated a friend's birthday with dinner, celebrated a friend's promotion at work with dinner, played tennis, went to the zoo, had lunch with a friend that I had not seen in YEARS, had a Melting Pot dinner with another friend, went to the Casino and had a girls night with games! Surprisingly, I didn't find time to clean the house from top to bottom, as I vowed to do!

In addition to all of the activities, Andy and I watched a few movies, which I have outlined below:

Slumdog Millionaire - LOVED it!
Still Waiting - Very Funny...even w/o Ryan Reynolds and Anna Farris!
Milk - Loved it, developing small crush on James Franco [despite the role he played]
Role Models - eh, it was okay. I do like Paul Rudd
The Haunting of Molly Hartley - Skip it. Seriously.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - Surprisingly good
Nights in Rodanthe - OMG tearjerker! [James Franco has an uncredited role in this movie. Yeah he does...]
Drive Thru - Absolutely horrible--but what did I expect from a free channel called FearNet?

Anyway, I do love the RedBox, it is an awesome and very practical idea!